Thanks, man.

So, that’s who you are. <3

That’s the number I was told by my mother. She’s helping a lot with payment, but I gotta start helping knock that number down eventually. You are correct, I am lying when I say it’s my debt. That’s the total amount that had to be paid for my entire time at the college. The actual amount that is left to be paid is somewhere around the $67k mark, last time I asked. I still feel the need to pay her back, though, as well as the rest. ‘Specially now that I’m 18.

It kinda just hit me today.

Friends moved away 4-5 days ago.

Events happened over the last six or so months that came to a head a few days ago.

Another event happened over the last two/three months triggered a reaction from me and I’m still getting over it.

Nothing really happened today in specific, but this is the first day that I’ve been alone and not completely enveloped in a story or game to think about it.

I’m not quite sure I understand, but I’m pretty damn sure that it’s me… I don’t think I implied otherwise…

I’m glad and thankful for that. Really, thanks!

I also just fear that I’m just completely irrelevant when it comes to my works.

I post a thing I spend hours on and it gets less than 50 views, compiling the idea that, in the fandom, I’m just that awkward stage right after obscurity and right before recognition where I just barely reach the personal threshold to compose a track, only to be disregarded and forgotten about a few hours after it has been posted.

I’ve always heard of the whole “do it because you want to, not because others” thing, and I do, but it’d be nice to have a little recognition once in awhile for something that I put so much effort into. I’d love to be included in shows, in conventions, and not have to personally pay to schlep all my crap out there and get hotels.

It’s gotten better, convention-wise. They’re helping out with hotels, now, but I’d like a little more effort put in, if possible. It’s really not easy being a starving musician nearly outta college. I’ve got $187k worth of student loan debt on my head, it’d help if I had a plane ticket or something.

I wish I was able to hold a fundraiser to go to a place, but I wouldn’t feel right doing so, because I’m probably going to do it anyway regardless if I got any funds, and I can’t take people’s hard earned cash like that. I don’t even charge for my albums. Does anyone else still do that?

Well, I can’t elicit genocide if that’s what you’re asking.

Long time ago, long story short (because I don’t like getting into details) a friend came to me for help, and he ultimately killed himself. 

I’ve had therapists keep on telling me that “it wasn’t my fault” and “there was nothing I could do to stop *his* actions” but there’s still a lingering doubt that if I ended going a different route, or if I just said the right sequence of words, I could have prevented it.

I’m hell-bent on proving that I can actually lead to a beneficial change when a friend asks for help, but I’m scared shitless that I just might say the exact wrong thing again and get another person killed.

Either one would have me pretty defined, but I’m waving around the middle area.

Maybe sometime! Don’t take it too personally, my silence.

I’m not really good with talking, I’m just an excellent magician.

A bunch of my friends moved back to their respective homes, and it’s not easy trying to contact them through the internet.

Other than that, it’s kinda in my nature. I know when I need to step back away before things get worse, because it really has before. Like, really really bad.

I can’t directly control anyone, but I have a hell of an influence, and I’m scared. The best way to not influence is to lie in my bed and watch cartoons all day.

Anything else you care to know about?

I’ll answer this if I have a little more detail, Anon.

Care to elaborate?

I don’t know what persona is!